Blog

The Past Is Over ..................................

5/10/2021

Do you find yourself physically living in the present, but your mind is in the past?

Are you sitting in resentment, guilt, or shame from the past?

Are your current circumstances causing you such displeasure that you think they'll continue in your future?

The voice of the ego-mind makes us believe we can only achieve internal peace based on external things. The philosopher, Ludwig Wittgenstein stated, “The eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.” When you don't allow yourself to experience any moment for itself, you stop time.

The past is said and done. What remains to be seen is what you can bring to your present and future. You always have the power to not repeat any poor decision you made in the past so it doesn't repeat in your present or future.

You owe it to yourself to treat yourself fairly! This includes not beating yourself up over your past, what someone did to you that wasn't in your control and anything you did without knowing how to respond better.

Today, tell yourself that you are important because you matter! Please know that no matter how others may have treated you or what they may have told you in the past is a reflection of them and not you.

Your past represents the things you've experienced. Your past does not make you a better or worse person nor is it your enemy. The enemy is your way of thinking about your past and if you allow it to ruin your present and future. Use your past to make you emotionally strong now for your future.

Let’s face it; the present can only get better for the future!

Happiness .................................

4/26/2021

Happiness takes work. It's an inside job that can be easier said than done. Some of the basic ingredients to being happy includes safety, satiation, perception and quietude. These are things you can control. Depending on external things to be happy can make it hard to sustain happiness.

Safety
Feeling unsafe can bring about fear. This fear creates a fight or flight response on top of tension within your body. These things can make it hard for you to experience happiness. Ask yourself, “How safe and secure do I feel in my everyday life?” As you think about your answer, consider what you can adjust to feel safer.

Satiation
No one has everything they want, but ask yourself, “At this moment, in what ways are my life full?” Only you can answer this question. Acknowledge in this present moment, without pointing out what you don't have, everything you do have that really makes your life full.

Perception
Right now, take the time to reflect on the bigger picture, your life! Getting caught up in the minuscule details of things you can't control can derail you from enjoying your life's journey, the positive impact you are having on others and within your own life. One’s quality of life can be enhanced by having a positive attitude and sense of general well-being. Improving your mind and memory through mentally stimulating exercises can also help.

Quietude
How often do you go into a quiet place and reflect? If you can't do this every day, try to do this at least once a week. Find a quiet place where you can get in touch with feeling safe, seeing how satiated you are and self-reflect for 20 mins. Take a break from your day of being busy and implement rest. Identify a space where you can hear yourself think and have no responsibilities so you can focus on you, your peace.

As you reflect on some of these questions, focus on the ones you struggled with or couldn't answer. These are the ones that need your attention the most. As you begin to work on these, you are one more step closer to being a happier person.

Curve Balls ....................................

4/13/2021

You just landed your dream job earning more money making it easier to save more money; home-run!

Your daughter was accepted to her #1 college choice on a full scholarship; home-run!

Your brother just had his first baby and you're super excited to be an aunt; home-run!

After flying through green pastures, celebrating these homeruns, you grab a seat and close your eyes to relish on the beauty of it all. As soon as you open your eyes, the fastest curve ball you've ever witnessed is coming towards you. When life gives you lemons, they say to make lemonade. What do you make when life throws you fast curve balls?

The money in your savings account has dramatically decreased to repair your flooded basement because home insurance doesn't cover it; curve ball!

Your daughter received another letter from her college stating they made a typo on the letter and she will not be attending that college; curve ball!

Your brother calls to say his wife miscarried...you hang up the phone with the curve ball stuck in your throat; curve ball!

The phone rings again...your grandmother died' curve ball!

Now, you sit! The curve balls are sitting heavy on your chest. You can't seem to calm yourself and the curve balls are in various parts of your body. You feel the pressure. Your head is pounding.

The sound of mail being placed into your mailbox snaps you out of your head and for that split second, you are now focused on the task of reading the mail in hopes of a distraction.

The first piece of mail is $300 fine notification by the city for having too many times for false alarms. The second piece of mail is a notice stating your mortgage has increased by $400 because your mortgage company failed to take out enough money to cover last year’s escrow. Now, your once cushy savings is gone.

The room begins to spin because all those curve balls have knocked you on your ass. And it’s only Tuesday! How are you going to make it through today? The rest of the week?

Cry.

Drink wine.

Eat comfort food…or not eat at all.

Self-medicating discomfort isn't the way to handle discomfort. Allow yourself to sit with your uncomfortable feelings because you are human. Staying present is the only way to find a solution to current problems and fully go with the ebb of life’s curve balls as a means to adapt!

Life has a way of always testing you, for the good or bad! The reframe or new outlook is what will help you bounce back. A few reframing thoughts or new outlook could be:

I am still employed and thankful I had enough savings to cover the basement repairs!
Your daughter was able to receive several offers to other colleges and full scholarships!
Your grandmother is no longer suffering in pain and has died peacefully.

More curve balls are sure to come. Remember, for every curve ball there's a homerun waiting to be hit out the park!

Embrace You ....................................

3/22/2021

I might be aging myself here, but did you have a pen pal as a kid? I did! I remember how excited I was when my letter arrived in the mail. It was a wonderful experience to hold a letter that came from another state or country that someone else took the time and thought to write a letter back to me. I loved sitting down, writing and sharing something from my heart, funny or serious. The exchange was so fun as I was able to share my authentic self to someone else in a meaningful way without judgment.

My first pen pal was assigned to me in the 5th grade. She was another 5th grader from Alabama. In the 6th grade, I was assigned my second pen pal from Germany. Both pen pals added so much to my learning because of their cultures as they were different from mines growing up in Illinois.

The simplicity of writing a letter to a pen pal afforded me the experience to be myself, dream and listen while understanding others just the same. That experience alone taught me that I can embrace myself although it can be hard due wanting to fit in or change based on so-called norms in our society and/or culture.

Meaningful connections with others have been lost due to our overuse of social media and texting. I love technology and its benefits, but nothing will ever replace the human connection needed within ourselves or from others.

Here are some ways to embrace yourself and connect with others now:

Don't wait until you find someone to like or love you - start small by saying one kind thing a day to yourself
Don't wait until you lose weight - pick a body part, appreciate it right now and do this for at least 1 week
Share with others, no texting, how you really feel – call a loved one and tell them what you love about them and how they support you
Give yourself a break – it's okay to rest when you feel exhausted; give yourself permission
Avoid criticizing yourself – you're human and will make mistakes time to time, it's OK try not to take yourself so serious
Tell yourself the truth – how do you want to be treated, what aren't willing to do, what are your needs right now?

When you embrace yourself, you are being kind to yourself in ways others couldn't do! You're not being judgmental or bashing yourself. When you embrace yourself, you can see clearer and valuable learning opportunities about yourself, what works and doesn't, while identifying a solution to your problems and taking great care of yourself. If you don't know who you are, now would be the perfect time to be curious! Embracing yourself can seem like a big, complicated task, but it can be something fun done this minute.

Start now!

Self-Soothe ..................................

3/8/2021

Growing up, you may have discovered ways to make yourself feel better when you had been hurt or felt bad. Some examples of self-soothing include playing with your dog, favorite doll or toy truck.

As an adult, it's easy to forget how to self-soothe in a healthy way when feeling uncomfortable, upset, anxious or irritated. A lot of times, unhealthy self-soothing techniques are the quickest and easiest way to feel better, however it doesn't last long. Some examples of unhealthy self-soothing include:

Excessive use of alcohol or using illicit substances: This can lead to an addiction or death.
Excessive eating: This can lead to weight gain and poor health.
Self-Harm: This can including cutting, burning or hitting yourself and can leave permanent scars, possible infection, pain and embarrassment.

There are healthy ways you can self-soothe as an adult. Try any of these 10 self-soothing techniques to feel better about yourself or any situation.

Relaxation exercises – download a relaxation app and listen to relaxing sounds from nature (waterfalls, bird calls, whales, etc.) or take a walk.
Play – find time to play an old-school board game (Monopoly, Clue or Scrabble), charades, hangman, romp around in the grass with a dog or flag football with friends. You can also play tag, hide and seek or blow bubbles.
Be present in the moment – this is known as mindfulness. Try to not focus on the future or the past in order to fully experience the present. For example, engage 3 of your senses by taking a long and close look at a flower, touch and smell it.
Learn – are you interested in learning something new, but never explored it? Look for ways you can make this happen. Or, you may want to look at something in a new way such as reading a poem or scripture to find new meaning in it. Watch a TED talk about something you know nothing about.
Finish the little things – accomplishing even the smallest thing usually helps you feel better. If you have been putting off easy things you have been meaning to do for a while (cleaning out a drawer, dusting a bookcase, sending someone a thank you note). Do it!
Spiritual resources – prayer, meditation or reading affirmations, etc. Whatever feels right to you, try it and keep in mind, spiritual work does not necessarily occur within the bounds of an organized religion.
Be creative – make a sculpture, paint or draw. It does not matter if you have never done any of these things. Shifting your focus on one of these tasks can make you feel better.
Go to any kind of a museum – pick a piece to observe, stare at it and let it spark a story.
Write – journal about 5 things that make you smile or write a 5-line poem about your favorite song, food or a funny memory.
Try a new food – pick a fruit, veggie or dessert you never tried before and do this once a week.

Each day you can help yourself feel better by doing many good things that don't involve self-harm, overeating or excessive use of alcohol or illicit substances. Do something fun, creative, uplifting, interesting and exciting to self-soothe.

Criticism ...................................

2/22/2021

People who are critical of others point out others perceived flaws. Many of us have grown up with painful criticism. Painful criticism can be toxic to anyone’s well-being. Being criticized as an adult can trigger suppressed pain and as a result, one either withdraw themselves or lashes out on others. Either action is counterproductive to one’s well-being.

Sometimes, painful criticism can trigger shame causing one to revert back to the hurt child who could never do anything right. Shame can also be an extremely painful emotion. When shame is triggered, some people find ways to not feel such as cutting, overeating, or using illicit substances. Shame can feel very threatening as it dysregulates the nervous system. Practice mindfulness by noticing it, allowing it some space and realizing when it has arisen. Understand that you are not the shame.

You have no control over how others perceive you. You do have control over how you react and view yourself. Find your inner strength and accept your lovely, unique human flaws. Here are 9 key ways to building mental strength in the face of criticism:

Say “No” – No is a full sentence! Know when to say it and don’t allow yourself or others to make you feel shame or guilt about it.
People-Pleasing – Accept someone telling you “no” as it works both ways. Embrace the fact that social rejection is unavoidable. You don’t need other’s approval. Understand and accept your strengths, limitations, and perfect imperfections and mistakes.
Relationships – Cultivate healthy relationships with yourself first. This relationship speaks volumes and sets the tone for how others should treat you. Be in the business of reevaluating your relationships with yourself and others on a regular basis.
Be Kind – Try to be considerate and helpful without any obligations! As humans, we are all dealing with our own shit – feelings, perceptions and opinions. Other people’s judgments are not superior. They are simply expressing their own subjective standard as it relates to their experiences. You’d be foolish to argue with someone’s taste or preferences.
Acceptance – Differentiate what you can and cannot control so you can feel your best, discover new options, opportunities and happiness. Trust your own judgment and know what is best for you. Acknowledge and reward your successes despite anyone’s recognition.
Adaptability – Be open to adapting to change. Since change is inevitable, try to be reasonable in challenging or unforeseen situations.
Emotional Acumen – Recognize exactly what you feel, why and what it means to your existence. Express empathy and compassion for yourself first then others. Don’t allow a compliment or criticism to affect you.
Being Proactive – When there is a problem, weigh your options and make a practical decision taking in your emotions, thoughts and motives so you can make an informed decision.
Sense of Self - Know yourself and how you best deal with your emotions. Avoid taking your emotions out on people or allow people to take theirs out on you. Don’t take what people do, feel, think or say personal because you are wonderful regardless of their opinions.

People are going to have their own opinions no matter what. In the end, yours is the only one that matters!

Therapy Helps ....................................

2/7/2021

There are many things in life we try to control like what other people do, say and feel about us. Sometimes, we internalize these things.

There are also times where we can't control the things we can because we struggle when it appears as though everything is falling apart in the middle of a life-storm. We then find ourselves in a flight or flee response. But, even in difficult times, we can get through life-changing events.

As life happens, try to be honest for what’s true for you. Remind yourself, you have power no matter the circumstances that comes your way and you're not alone. With the help of a therapist, you can cultivate a meaningful, fulfilling and compassionate life for yourself.

Here are 12 ways therapy can be helpful in navigating life. Therapy can teach you how to:

Talk to yourself – therapy can provide tools on how to use positive self-talk.
React to others – therapy can help you align your emotions so they don't negatively impact your behaviors.
Structure your time – therapy can help you identify ways you may be spending useless energy and time on things that don't add to your overall, daily productivity and well-being.
Create your space – healthy boundaries in every area of your life are important to avoid emotional, spiritual, physical and mental fatigue.
Ask for help – this can be a struggle for everyone, yet therapy starts the process of learning how to ask for help from people in your life.
Say yes and no – therapy can help with not feeling guilty for saying “no” or “yes” when you absolutely need and have to.
Take care of you – therapy can provide tools on how to practice meaningful self-care with a lasting impact that can be used time and time again.
Be honest with yourself and others – it can be hard to face yourself and admit certain truths, but therapy provides a safe space for being honest and self-exploration that can be freeing for you and others in your life.
Channel your grief – a therapist can help guide you through the phases of grief in a healthy way.
Manage racing thoughts – therapy can provide a safe space to release those racing thoughts and process in a healing way.
Deal with regrets – therapy can show you how to be mindful, thankful and live in the present while accepting the past as it is – the past.
Have a healthy relationship with your body and food – therapy can help you identify loving ways to treat your body not based on food.

I encourage you to think of ways therapy can be helpful for you.

Therapy ....................................

1/19/2021

We all have experienced stress, anxiety, depression, grief or relationship problems at some point in our lives, right? Many of us have friends or loved ones who are suffering right now and could benefit from therapy. Suggesting to a loved one or friend they need therapy can sound offensive and make them feel as if they are being criticized.

Do you know how to recommend therapy to your loved one? Here are 6 ways to recommend therapy to your loved one:

Say something soon! – The sooner you say something, you prevent a larger issue or a full-blown crisis from arising. Minimizing the issue or hoping the problem will go away on its own isn't likely or realistic.
Normalize therapy! – If you have benefited from therapy talk about it with them. If you haven’t gone to therapy yourself, express empathy by saying something like, “I see how stressed you are with everything going on right now and you deserve real support beyond our conversations. Have you thought about seeing a therapist for help?”
Don’t Diagnose! – Leave diagnosing to the experts. Instead, you can say something like, “I notice that you don't seem like yourself. I care about you and think a therapist can help you.”
Be Reassuring! – Therapy doesn't have to be long term for it to be very effective in resolving issues. Assure your loved one they can find a compassionate, supportive and objective therapist that will provide the insight and tools to empower them.
Be Resourceful! – Be prepared to share where they can go to find a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist. If they are employed, ask them to contact HR to inquire about Employee Assistance Program (EAP) benefits. In addition, many schools and Universities offer free or low-cost services. There are also online therapy options such as Open Path for persons from low-income status. Go to openpathcollective.org/ to learn more.
Be Supportive! – Offer to pay or be there for moral support. If the situation is very serious, consider an intervention or hiring an interventionist. In case of an emergency, always dial 9-11 or take them to their local emergency room for an evaluation.

Don’t let your loved one or friend suffer in silence. Express to them that therapy is not replacing your relationship with them. If they decide to not go to therapy, it's their choice and you did your part. If the relationship is becoming harmful to you, reevaluate your boundaries with them. You might want to examine if the relationship is worth continuing. Remember, we all can benefit from therapy!

Addiction Help ....................................

1/6/2021

Help.org is an organization that provides people with trusted, real-world, evidence-based health and wellness information from healthcare providers and professionals. Help.org delivers relevant and digestible information that puts health and wellness into context in peoples’ lives.

Right now people are more isolated than normal, which adds another layer of complexity for those struggling with addiction. Social frameworks that usually exist to provide a supportive presence or accountability are crippled. Meanwhile, COVID-19 related life changes and stresses are compounding, likely leading to or furthering substance abuse and addiction.

In order to provide support during these challenging times, please check out the following resources! The resources provide comprehensive information on the various faces of addiction and how to get help. It is written for both individuals who are struggling with addiction at any phase, as well as concerned friends or family members that are looking for information to educate themselves or to share.

Fentanyl Addiction

Drug Abuse Hotline

Prescription Drug Abuse

Methamphetamine Addiction

Free Workbook ....................................

12/29/2020

It’s completely normal to be experiencing a wide range of emotions like:

Anxious
Stressed
Worried
Fearful
Low
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Helpless
Frustrated
Guilty
Angry

Accepting your feelings is an important first step to building resilience. Remember: It’s okay to feel discomfort. Accepting distress is often the quickest way to feel immediately calmer. Here's a workbook to help with pandemic anxiety and provide much needed support. This PDF workbook can be downloaded here for free below.

Provided by the Wellness Society thewellnesssociety.org/

Stay Mindful ...............................................

12/21/2020

Holly Sawyer, PhD, MS, LPC, CAADC, NCC

As a therapist, I am constantly finding ways to evolve not only professionally, but as a human being. My evolving process is holistic – physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. Being mindful requires being present, living in the now and sitting with whatever emotion you’re experiencing. It can be based on something you perceive as negative or positive at that moment.

Not practicing mindfulness can push your mind to wander between the past and future instead of focusing on what is happening right in front of you; the present. This can trigger unproductive, negative thoughts and possibly negative behaviors.

For example, went on a job interview and left feeling like you aced it. Your mind begins to think about the future and all the good benefits the new job can bring. A couple of days goes by and you hear nothing from the hiring manager or HR. Your mind now goes to the past, replaying the interview and asking yourself “what did I do wrong?” because you really wanted “this” job, and your emotions are running high from not knowing if you got the job or not. Now, you start to retreat, ruminate over the interview, and isolate with your negative thinking without having all the facts. When you’re in a negative thinking pattern, it can be hard to be present in your life, flexible in your thinking or not controlled by your emotions.

When you find yourself in this or any related situation…

Find a space to sit and do a self-check. Identify what you are feeling mentally (angry, frustrated, irritated, etc.).
Do a body scan. Ask yourself what you feel inside and out.
Take deep breathes and sit with the emotions instead of fleeing or distracting yourself.
Don’t judge what is going on or what you’re feeling as right or wrong.
When you don’t want to sit with your painful feelings, it’s okay! At the least, recognize them and what they are/mean so that in the event it happens again, you’re better equipped at handling yourself inside out.

These things are definitely easier said than done because the mind can wander! What you may find helpful is venting to a nonjudgmental friend &/or instantly write your thoughts down. Every day, 3 things you are grateful for. This can also help you stay present.

For every negative, find a positive. Focusing too much on the future causes worry and staying in the past creates guilt and/or regret. None of these emotions add to your well-being although pain is a part of life. However, mental, and emotional pain can be reshaped by practicing mindfulness.

No one can change what happened yesterday, and tomorrow is not promised. Constantly going between the past and future can be draining and daunting. You deserve peace within your body, mind, and spirit.

How mindful are you? How will you practice mindfulness?